WHY DO I OVERTHINK EVERYTHING?
Overthinking
Imagine for a moment that you’ve just left an event where you had a great night out with friends. You thoroughly enjoyed it, laughed until you snorted, had a few drinks, and made a few jokes that landed really well. As you walk home, the high from the enjoyable night slowly starts to fade.
You replay what you said and try to remember if you interrupted anyone. “Did I talk too much?” You recall the moment when one friend only cracked a small grin at your joke. “Did I offend anyone?” Soon you’re in a full-blown “what if” spiral: What if they all go home and talk about how annoying I was? What if they never invite me out again? What if they decide I’m too much and I lose all of them as friends? What if… what if… what if…
Ok. Let’s take a deep breath and come back up for air for a second.
To understand overthinking, we need to understand our brain a bit. The single biggest job our brain is concerned with is our survival. We humans — without horns, tusks, or venom — are dependent on other people to survive. Granted, some introverts (such as my husband💜) might argue the opposite, but we are social creatures and have a biological need for social acceptance.
Overthinking often stems from experiences when we were young and felt rejected. We all know kids can be a$$holes, especially to each other, and regardless of intent, a childhood friend (or perceived friend) could have said something like “Don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong” or “That was really stupid of you.” Our (then still developing) brain took that experience as evidence that we would soon be kicked out of the tribe and eaten by a sabretooth tiger.
So, we developed a very important — and then useful — skill of overthinking. Preparing for every possible social situation, desperately trying to avoid social blunders. Perhaps it did work when we were younger, navigating the treacherous social environment called high school. However, that once-useful skill has now become maladaptive and more harmful as an adult. It has grown into a debilitating, anxious voice in our head that keeps putting us down and convincing us of the worst, even though we have little evidence to support it. Overthinking convinces us that every awkward pause is rejection, every delayed text is abandonment, and every neutral facial expression is disapproval.
So what can I do?
Develop self-kindness.
It can be super hard, I know — especially if you don’t actually know what that sounds like. What often helps is to print out a small photo of yourself when you were young, or imagine your younger self walking alongside you as you ruminate. Pretend you are their older brother or sister and they are crying that everyone will hate them or that they will lose all their friends. What would you say to them? I very much doubt your first reply would be, “You are an idiot for making that joke.” You would offer acceptance, validation, and comfort.
Look for evidence to contradict your thoughts.
Thought: They all hate me.
Evidence to contradict: They all showed up to meet me.
Thought: I offended someone.
Evidence to contradict: They kept talking to me.
Try to break the habit.
Some techniques that could help are:
• Saying “STOP” out loud when you find yourself overthinking often does wonders.
• Grounding techniques: humming works wonders. It activates the vagus nerve and helps you come back to the present.